The Eye of the Storm...

This article was originally written September 26, 2013... I know its slightly dated, but the gist of the post is STILL very relevant so I edit it and re-post... Enjoy...

the EYE of the Storm

During this season, God has increased the sensitivity of my spiritual eye and opened my mind so that my perception has become that of a rear view mirror, just opposite ; meaning only with the natural eye does things appear bigger than they are. I was in the biggest state of questioning, with my eyes closed, "WHY ME?" "WHY THIS?" "Can't I have ANOTHER KIND OF STORM?" "I DONT DESERVE THIS!"... Trying my best to pull away and give up. In fact I had set my mind to quit, but an internal vision wouldn’t let me. It wasn’t until I got sick and tied (the more exhausted version of TIRED) of fighting... against the prophetic, against why he was drawing me nearer, against WHY I was in this storm in the FIRST PLACE...

that he allowed me to actually SEE. I mean REALLY SEE, like looking at 1 of those mind exercise puzzles where your eyes see the obvious, but your brain sees and is able to de-fragment the hidden puzzle within the puzzle. In a recent sermon, my pastor, Bishop J.C. Williams, confirmed this when he gave the analogy of using mathematical functions in high school, where one is given the answer, but the resolve is in finding the problem (aka working backwards). It was during this time that God revealed to me all the times when he'd given me the answer, and told me, "now, work backwards...”

So here I am.... in the what feels like the EYE of my Storm, being tested, tried & proven with confidence to know that I know, that I know WHO and WHO'S I am, and the BIGGER picture has become so much more evident... THIS STORM was ultimately never really about me... Ha! I laugh now because my pride has taken the biggest blow. THIS STORM was for the hundreds of other people, many of whom I will never meet, that will encounter this exact same issue with the same limited, if not fewer, resources. THIS STORM was not for me to say how good or fun or safe God is; though he is all those things! No, THIS STORM was for me to show how much more than a provider but a keeper and how more than rock but a cornerstone, and how truly smart and calculated God is! And how he'll blind you (if you let him), and exchange your strength, your vision, your will for HIS, right when you appear to be in the eye of the storm; so for THIS STORM, I am most grateful...  #Selah #getfreetoday

Jeremiah 29:13

REF: Jeremiah 29:13: “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be..."

Today.. this message did catch with my spirit. Lately I've been reading and not really knowing "WHY am I reading this?"... or you could call it going through the motions. I've been slipping.... not knowing to where, or what what slipping per se... but I know that things are... DIFFERENT. I've prayed in my spare time and asked God to fix me. To make me better. To show me. To OPEN my eyes. With each request feeling that much more empty and lacking... I'll be honest in saying that I have NO CLUE what is happening. But I do know that ironically, after all of that... all that asking.. all of that crying.. all of that thinking and thanking... The only words I heard was...PRAY.Yep... it's like having a cold, no a bad flu like symptom and being told that you need a few antibiotics, plus and this and that, oh and don't forget some of this!... Only to buy all of that stuff, then drink 1 cup of soothing hot tea (you know, that kind that Mom-Dukes can hook up) and feel at 1000% the next day! In the words of the legendary Alanis Morissette, "its 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife. And who woulda thought, it figures..."

So today, I recommit my faith, my gift, my heart, my PRAYER... my only true intimate time with him, back TO HIM. I don't know about you... but I cannot go long without quality time with him. So I leave this song, by my brother in Christ, Zacardi Cortez... today (and everyday) I need to have my 1 on 1 time with my daddy God.  

Same Day... Different shhh...

A very smart and worldly, but God fearing woman by the name of Momma Michelle Small (the ONLY other woman I endearingly refer to as

'Momma' aside from my OWN), taught last Wednesday and she make an extremely poignant statement, that had resurfaced this morning as I attempted to pray, but just couldn’t find the words to say. I struggled quite a bit because I’m dealing with what I consider a multi-faceted storm: the surface level storm, the internal storm and the spiritual storm all at the same time. I know that needed to pray... I know I needed to look for a job... I know I needed to find an attorney... hell I know I NEEDED to do a lot of things! But my mind was so cluttered; thoughts were so cloudy that I could not seem to focus on the 1 thing that could bring order to all the other things. I started to think, "Man, I just had a breakthrough on Sunday and was refreshed, so I’m not on empty. I know WHO God is and WHO I AM, so I’m not alone. And I know what the word IS and what is does, so truthfully, I’m not lost". This is when I started to declare “SHALAILA YOU WILL NOT GO CRAZY, you’re not depressed, or not sad, and you’re not worried, regardless of what it looks like... now PRAY!" Yes, I’m a tough cookie so I have to talk to myself like that and God deals with me JUST LIKE THAT! It was in that moment that last Wednesday's words came to me... How in the world do people manage WITHOUT Jesus??!!  smh I mean, like REALLY, not just from an I’m so saved stand point, or even a judgmental perspective. Just a realist standpoint; almost every day is a battle for me to not revert to the old me, now I can admit that it’s much easier now than it was say this time last year, but it’s still a challenge nevertheless... And my main and really ONLY reason for not doing what I know how to do so well is because of CHRIST, I want to please HIM, not make him want to spit me out and even detest me because I carry a foul scent of evil, rebellion and wickedness on me; I want to be a sweet aroma to my God, make him want to bless me because I am obedient and am walking in his image. Make him PROUD of me know that I am grateful to be called HIS... just that alone stirs something in me that makes me what to get right just by saying it! So how do people really make it through their seasons without him? I mean, yes, there are the "surface" level quick remedies: drugs, alcohol, sex, money... but then what about those who are dealing with the level 2 & 3 storms, how are they getting by? Or is it that's all they're doing, GETTING BY? This incited me to pray and pray hard and go deep within me to press, regardless of how I felt. At which point my prayers shifted from me and Level 1 to praying/declaring the word of God and interceding for others.

It was during that time that God didn’t answer my question, but he showed me what he wanted me to see: "it’s not a matter of how others can deal, the only fact that you need to know, is that YOU CANNOT DEAL, MANAGE OR EVEN MAKE IT, without me". And so, I guess when I look at the news, reality TV and the nutty people I have to interact with on a daily basis... their answer will come once they embrace who he REALLY is too.

Bible ref: James 4:10-12, Phil 4:6-7

For more on this wonderful woman (Momma) Michelle Small visit her page: http://www.courageousmi.com/

The Transgression of Joy...

Transgression (trans-gre-shen) n: Infringement or violation of a law, command, or duty

Today I went from being surprised by the #unexpected and extremely elated... To being pushed down a flight of stairs [not physically, figuratively in an emotional/mental state], then somehow embracing anger, defeat, utter DISGUST! HOW does something of THIS magnitude happen all within a 12hr span? How did I let this (spirit) come in & completely infiltrate & disrupt my

"happy thoughts"| my "praise place"| my "I’m more than a conqueror" stance?Is it wrong or "unchristian-like" for me to feel like I would've rather stayed [mentally/emotionally] right where I was? Is it wrong to reject said introspect or the prophetic utterance of SURPLUS of what is to be expected, if hindsight is permissible, thus showing you that you WILL receive... only to have it ALL wiped out from under you before it could even become tangible to you?! Does it mean that I’m of 'little to no faith' if my faith is becoming synonymous with the story of the nice girl you knew from school that got bullied and taken advantage of so much that she grew into an aggressively rigid and crass woman of the world? Does it mean I don’t love GOD if right now; I just want to do ME, how and whatever that may be? Meanwhile someone close to me, calls me in that same moment, to release, cry and solicit prayer (though they didn’t ask for it) and though my spirit wants to reach out and share God's love and word with them.... the rest of me is NUMB, so my tongue won’t move and my lips won’t speak... So I say, do and give.... NOTHING... and what was maybe a seed to sow into someone else, remains trapped instead, inside of me...   SELAH

Still I digress....   #getfreetoday

Sometimes You WIN some. Sometimes You LOSE some…

There could not be a more overused and undervalued catchphrase in the English language!

Wins vs Losses

  Ok… thinking about it yea it could be, but still I digress… But today, I had not so much an epiphany, as I did a word of distinction from God. Over the last 6 months or so I’ve been doing, what I call, an involuntary audit of so called “friends” in my life. Now I do have a set of rules, which to most, seem a bit harsh and outlandish, but to me seem quite suitable for to my standards and lifestyle. For example, IF you are a saved contact in my phone, but we speak maybe 1-2 times a year (at most), you never text or even email me, then you really are not “contact” worthy. You are a familiar (because I know you) random caller who calls occasionally and probably plays NO role in my life, immediate or distant, therefore you get deleted. Seems simple enough right? Let’s move on…

So there have been a few people, whom I’ve deleted all contacts with because they abruptly stopped or no longer answer my calls, emails, texts or even fb posts when I have tried to reach out to them. Even though they LIVE on social networks are are CLEARLY getting my messages, but choosing not to respond, for whatever reason. In most cases many of those same people who I delete end up calling or emailing me and attempt to apologize for their behavior and reconcile a possible relationship. Sometimes, it works… sometimes it doesn’t. More recently, a good but flaky former friend of mine sent me a fb message apologizing and “explaining” their reason for being so dismissive and blatantly non responsive. At first glance, I wanted to immediately hit the DELETE button and keep it moving… but I was #1 intrigued, and #2 knew that they deserved to be heard, at the very least. So I read it… Indeed their expression was very humble and they in fact explained their reason for this (which for the record, CLEARLY made no sense at all), again I digress… At the end of reading the letter, for the second time, I asked God to give me the words to say because I didn’t want to revisit old feelings and act out of emotion; neither did I want to give them the treatment that they gave me, because what would they learn in that? So I responded with kindness, forgave and thanked them and at the end gave them what they thought their rejection took from me… LOVE. Afterwards I asked God, “Why was I given unwarranted rejection by yet another person whom I regarded as close to me?” I hadn’t felt that kind of feeling since my Ex lover. Then God showed me, that this is rejection from MAN, not GOD; and sometimes, like it did in 2010, man’s rejection will push you closer or allow you to be vulnerable enough to be drawn in by God’s love, hence, losing something to gain something greater! So it made sense why I wasn’t spiteful, or hadn’t even cared to serve him up a dose of my usual sarcasm. The story in the book of John came to mind when Jesus asks Peter after he had denied him, “… DO YOU LOVE ME?” Clearly, Peter already felt like dog ish as it was, so it was no need for Jesus to give him the 3rd degree or rub it in… Even more, God showed me by my willingness to easily forgive, not require or expect a VALID reason from other people regarding their behavior towards me and my ability to discern the true (spiritual) reason for things, really revealed my maturity in HIM. So I suppose I can accept the rejection of the counterfeit, if that will get me closer to the love of the AUTHENTIC. And with that being said, I would rather lose, and to some degree may have lost everything, but if gaining him is knowing what I now KNOW, then truthfully, I haven’t’ loss at all! #StillWinning  #getfreetoday